Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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