Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
