Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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