***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
