these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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