piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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