if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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