I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
