I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The uberlube is also flammable
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
