He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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