i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
