I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
