I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
time to smoke my breakfast
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
