I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
