I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
