Screwed.edu
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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