I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My penis needs a shock collar
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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