WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
