Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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