i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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