Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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