On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
