Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
