Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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