After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk is not a location!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
