You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
