Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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