So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
