I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
