my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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