It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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