What a fucking waste of an outfit
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
