I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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