Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize