My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
