found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
how does that bad decision feel?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
