Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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