i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
