remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize