Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
