I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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