I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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