Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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