I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
