You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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