don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
