I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
