Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize