Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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