i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i've created a new STD.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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