She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
