He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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