AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
