Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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