god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
