His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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