i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
