Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
