Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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