Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
